I did it again. Changed the title, tag, and focus of my blog. To my handful of cherished readers, I feel I owe you an explanation. Again.
As some of you know, my blog started as Middle-Aged Madness, evolved into Midlife Awakenings, and now the title is simply my name, Kim Gorman. I started it one year ago with a flurry of posts, posted nothing for several months, wrote a couple more posts, went another couple of months without posting, and have been at it faithfully since the start of the year. As silly as it all seems, anyone who really knows me isn’t surprised. One of my greatest challenges in life is knowing who I truly am.
I can blame why on so many things, but I do feel that moving so much as a child plays a key role. The first two years of my life were spent traveling all over Europe, where I was born (Germany), with my parents. Sometimes they left me with trusted friends on weekends so they could escape together. When we moved back to the States, we moved three times before I was eight. After my parents split up, I moved three more times before finally settling in the town where I currently live.
Being the new kid on the block so often wasn’t easy. Maybe if my family life was more stable things might have been easier, but it wasn’t. Each time I entered a new town and school, I had to make a new group of friends and adjust to their way of doing things if I wanted to fit in. I learned quickly to adapt my personality to meet their expectations so I would be liked and included. As a result, I lost site of my true self. It’s a problem that followed me into my adulthood.
My blog has sometimes been a reflection of my identity crisis. While it’s true I can rightfully identify as a wife, mother, and higher education professional, what I really want is to just be me. I’ve been searching for myself for a long time. Sometimes I find her. Usually it’s on my yoga mat or in my gardens or when I’m writing for no one except myself. And therein lies the problem.
With titles like Midlife Awakenings, which by the way I still love, there are certain expectations, such as the blog being exclusively about midlife. Though I love this topic, I was beginning to feel a bit constricted by it and didn’t always feel authentic in my writing, though certainly at times I was. With my computer recently out of commission due to crashing, I had some time to reflect on my blog. I realized the common themes of many of my posts were marriage, motherhood, and the search for my truth in all things, whether it be career, relationships or my most meaningful life moments and memories.
I chose dogwood flowers for my header photo because they remind me of my happy place as a child, when we lived in an old colonial house in a city I loved. I had a sunny bedroom with a bright orange carpet that I used to play in for hours. Outside of my bedroom, its branches so close to the window that I believed I could reach out and touch them, was an ancient dogwood tree. I loved that tree, that room, that time, so much so that I currently live in a very similar old colonial. Some years ago, per my request, my husband and sons planted a dogwood tree in our backyard for Mother’s Day, which I can see from my bedroom window. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me that I’m probably trying to recreate that happy place.
In addition, I want desperately to be a published novelist. I’m close to completing a romance novel that I plan to submit for publishing, and which I fully expect to have rejected. I mean, how many writers do you know whose first submissions actually get accepted? Even so, I’m going for it, and in preparation I felt it was time for my name to be my writing brand.
So there you have it, the story behind yet another blog makeover. Thanks for reading and bearing with me. Again. All I can say is it’s a good thing I’m not one of those bloggers who hopes to make a living out of it. I’d be starved and homeless by now.